Game Plugs

Do you know a good website to play hunting fishing and even tycoon games online for free?

best online fishing or hunting game? ive been trying to download the hunter for 4 hours, and sum1 saiid it doesnt work anyways. whats the best, most realistic game out there? im wanting a hunting game that downloads easy and is free, or just play online

What are some online role playing games that are less based on Combat? I like games based on raising animals and building/fishing/hunting/farming/chatting rather than combat. I'm also 18 so I'd like something directed towards my age. any suggestions?

fishing help???? does anyone know if theres an online fishing club? or small game hunting clubs. it doesnt have to be online, as long as its in washington state. and i only want the free ones. ty

Non-online pc games like Runescape? Are there any games that work the same as Runescape, as in you have skills to learn, like cooking, fishing & hunting? Sometimes I don't have internet connection, but still can play on the computer and would like some games that are very much like Runescape. Please, any suggestions are welcomed. If you don't like Runescape, please don't leave nasty reply. Thank You!

Does anyone know some free, fun reading games? Ok so there is a kid who has trouble reading and presumably writing. He is home schooled so tutoring and that from the school isn't possible. I have suggested reading lower level books with a parent, reading more often (which I know is hard if you don't want to do it), and things like that. However, he needs something fun to do!!!!! So he like fishing and hunting and things like that so I have been trying to find some fun ones, but I can't find any online that you don't end up having to pay for. He is in the 4th grade, again he is home schooled, Hunting/fishing. Reading games would be best I suppose......IF you have any other fun easy ideas please let me know!

What interests do you have, that you would be willing to share with people online? input will help my site? I am not sure, if I covered all the interests people have out there. Here is what I am putting together right now for my new site. Automotive page: People can show pictures of their cool car. Hunting & Fishing Page: People can show pictures of the deer they shot or fish they caught. Hobby & Art: People can show art pictures they made to each other. Family Page: People can show cute or funny pictures of their kids or thier kids drawings. There will be a chat box on each page too. So that people can talk to other people with the same interests. Here are the other interest I have so far. Sports, Gaming/Computers, Music/Video, Help People, Free Stuff, Play room (Little Games), Travel, and Shopping online. Now what would you like see added to this list? Your input will mean a lot to me. Because you are the people I am trying to get to join together with one another. Thank You Tony

DFGID on the Deparment of Fish and Game Web Site for Deer Hunting? Hey, I'm in California and the Drawing results for the special deer hunts are available online and you need to enter a last name and then it asked for a dmv ID or a DFGID (Department of Fishin Game ID) and I don't know what it is I can't find it and I want to see if a got trawn for any cool hunts.

How do you find out if you drew on a hunt online? On the Idaho Fish and Game website Come on, answer me damn you!!

husband...? all he does is play is computer game! He plays World of Warcraft all the time! He can't stay up and have fun with me and some friends drinking past 1am, but he'll play his game til 4am! He wakes up in the morning at 10am and play till 4am and plays everyday after work! HELP!!! He is also disrespectful and rude and seems uninterested in sex! I am in the Air Force and really need some insight from other people. Is this normal? When we were dating he would get obsessed with his x-bax online games or playstation2 for a few weeks then get over it. UGH! We used to do things..like hunting, camping, fishing, etc. Now, he wont even go out of the house! HELP I've told him that this game is taking over his life. He's really spolied, so think about it as if you were talking to a kid. I've made jokes about him not wanting to do things because it takes away from his gaming time, but it's hard. He gets really angry easily. I spoil him to death. He have a 42" plasma tv that he used to use for his game, but it started to ruin it so I got him a 20" screen, bose headphones, and desk and computer gaming chair. He complained at first because the 20" screen "wasn't the same" but noe he's used to it. Tiff- I am depressed. I want to see someone for help. He does nothing so I do nothing. Our house is a MESS! I do nothing but watch tv all day. His lazy attitude has rubbed on to me

psychic WWW ? what web site psychic online is FREE Not for 1-10 minutes But 100% I know others are rip OFF !!!? I am looking for a web site, that can do some sort of psychic reading? That can tell what kind of income I have, what kind of family I have, what kind of love, what kind of Plans to expect in next or past months or years, BEST WOULD BE to tell me about my past something that I know! Some system that can read something I enjoy doing ? sky diving, fishing, boating, under water arrow hunting, taking care of pets, playing games, taking care of my children, traveling world wide, or traveling to specific places? I would like the Horoscope/psychic tell me details about me, and my past what I know, that would prove to me 100% that this is a working or not working psychic! Just minutes ago I called online psychic company registered , entered my DOB, name, address, just too much info, but when starting talk to psychic, they are not able to tell me answers about my past with in 5 minutes they won't tell my what is my disability, what is my estimated income, or something about my past, the psychic got pissed off and refused to assist! her is the phone number THOSE BS, you can test them 877-620-2007 her name Diana extention 337475 YOU try , you will have to register, you do get 5 free minutes, BUT DO NOT buy minutes unless you are willing to risk it! Then your better of buying 20 minutes for $20 to 40 minutes for $40 on credit card!! ATTN ATTN : but if it does not work don't hang up, once you end or the psychic ends the call /hangs up because she is pissed off just because she is not able to lie to you making up story, GIVE THIS psychic Diana 337475 a bad score choose 1 when system asks you what grade or score would you give this psychic! I know web site that can Figure out my favorite star I just need to answer 5-10 questions! The Daily Horoscope I get from MSN is GREAT they usually can tell 80% what to expect! really! My family was planning to go boating fishing Friday, and on Fridays Horoscope it said " you will go far away from you, Close to nature, and water, and have a great day! NOW how much closer can Horoscope reading get?

Am I a sociopath and/or a misanthrope? Hello, I have made two topics on this and due to mixed responses I decided to restart this. Some info from my other topics- Some background info. 1. I am a 15 year old male. 2. I am being treated for depression and anxiety but I don't think that is what I really have. 3. I really have no emotions, when I know I should feel something like guilt or happiness I don't, I often fake it. I don't think I have really laughed in years, I always fake it. 4. I often feel like killing someone, no one in particular, just anyone. 5. I hate hurting/killing animals. I have never been hunting, I hate fishing, and I hate seeming animals like pet hamsters and such in pain/dying. 6. I always feel "alone" I don't know why, I just feel different then everyone else and disconnected. 7. The only thing I really "love" is my cat. I don't know why, I just really love her. I don't feel "love" for my parents or sister or grandparents though. 8. I have been watching the show "Dexter" lately and it's amazing how many things I understand and acutely feel that the shows describes him as. And then from my second topic- Alot of people seemed to not understand what I was talking about. When I said I wanted to kill people alot of people said it was ok since it was no one in particular and that I haven't done it yet and to focus it on video games and such. First off, I play tons of fighting and shooting games. I play Call Of Duty games, Army of Two etc. My favorite games is Fallout 3. I often go around sneaking around and murdering people in the game. I don't know why but I spent like 4 hours killing a person and laying there body out and arranging it and placing a weapon near them so it would look like someone else did it and everything. Someone brought up Misanthropy. This seems like it could be. Here is brief definition-Misanthropy is a general dislike, distrust, contempt, or hatred of the human species or a disposition to dislike and/or distrust other people's silent consensus about reality. I loved the Matrix movies simply because of the fact that human existence could be pretty much fake. Even today I had to go shopping for something and wished that all humans were dead due to the fact that it would be all tress and animals and stuff if we didn't come and destroy it all for our own personal gain like making buildings and houses and stuff. I hate being around people. I haven't been to school in a month and the doctors think it is due to depression and anxiety but I doubt it. I can't even stand being around my friends, I only do things with them to please others around me. On online games I do fine talking to people and actually like hanging out with them. If I had a choice whether to go to an amusement park with my friends or stay home on my computer or PS3 or just watch TV I would chose to stay home but I often go do the things with my friends to please others even though I can't stand it. I will answer the questions on this page. http://www.wikihow.com/Understand-and-Help-Sociopaths Thinking about suicide at a young age- I have often thought about suicide, not actually doing it but thinking of why and the consequences and what-not. Killing insects for fun as a child. And/or Animals-I hate insects but love animals. But I never purposely killed animals. Abnormal interest in sexual pleasure as a child.-Not really Abnormal interest in violence/blood as a child.-Yes, I don't know why but blood is very interesting to me. A child who rarely smiles.-I hardly laugh or smile and when I do it is almost always faked. Superficial charm: Yes, i'm not very outgoing but people around me love me for some reason. But the fact is around people I don't act as I normally would. Grandiose self worth:I am not cocky at all, many people tell me to take more pride in my self actually. Need for stimulation (proneness to boredom):Yes, I get very bored quickly. I hate sitting in class and even when watching TV I can't stand sitting through the commercials Pathological lying:Yes, I often lie in order to get people to leave me alone or to do something Conning and manipulative's: Sometimes I don't often do this but on ooccasion Lack of remorse or guilt: Alot of times I know I should feel guilty but I just don't. Shallow affect:Yes, I feel cutoff from people, different. Callousness and lack of empathy:I often feel if someone did something and it turned bad for them that it is their own fault and don't feel bad at all. Parasitic lifestyle:The definition of this in the link fits me perfectly. Promiscuous sexual behavior: Not really. Lack of realistic, long-term goals: I have a plan for a future and what-not but I hate planning ahead for most things. Impulsively Very much so Irresponsibility: I often say I will do something but don't often go through on it. Failure to accept responsibility for own actions: Alot of times I blame others for my mistakes. Many short-term relationships:

A free online rpg like fiesta? I am looking for a game like fiesta and that I have played before I cannot remember the name or I wouldn't be asking this question you had to download it and there was a big game you could fish hunt and mine a meteor and you had levels if you can find it please, please give the answers and is greatly appreciated

what should i be doing to loose weight and gain muscle? alright I'm 13 years old and i have been trying to loose a bit of weight and gain some muscle but I'm a bit UN-active and i cant get active because i don't live by many people so i was wondering what some things are that i could loose weight and gain muscle. im 13 years old 185 lbs 5 foot 10 inches information on what i do daily: i play a online game a lot.about all day and their are times that i have about 20-30 secs where i could do extra stuff like lifting a dumbbell hobbies: my hobbies are hunting and fishing and riding my bike sometimes i also like to swim about once a week for about a hour.

How should I go about getting started with hunting? Location: NJ Hunting method: not sure which yet, looking at compound bows, 12 gauge, or a rifle (not sure on caliber either) I recently became a veteran and decided I would like to get into an interest of mine that I have had for a long time: I want to hunt something, and eat it... not fishing though, I already do that often. I've started with a checklist for what I might need, but I'm not sure how to do every thing on the list or what exactly it is that I will need. Also, I could use advice on which method of hunting to use for killing the animal (bow, shotgun, or rifle). I haven't decided what I should hunt either, so I guess I could use input on that as well. Keep in mind that I'm hunting for food, not for some silly game. Checklist so far: 1. Decide what to hunt and with what. 2. Get all the equipment needed (I already have my firearm license and a few guns, but nothing for hunting yet). 3. Get a hunting license in NJ (I believe the easiest way to do this is to get the certificate from the online hunter course and then do the field test). 4. Learn how to prepare the animal, whatever animal it is that I'm hunting, to eat. (this I have absolutely no clue as to how I'm going to go about doing...) Thanks for any and all input.

30 weeks pregnant with an a@#hole's baby? I was wondering if anyone has gone through the same thing. I'm 30 weeks pregnant with my third child. After I was pregnant with my first child, I gained weight from quitting smoking and the only food that seemed to stay down was something fatty (I don't know why that was the case). My "fiance" (I quote it because I don't feel like he really is that to me) got embarrassed of me and treated me like I was shameful. For example: We went fishing together ( he was fishing and I just watched him, oh what fun!) and his favorite lore got caught on a rock in the middle of a lake. He was bummed so I swam out and got it. I came back up drentched and I apparently wasn't attractive enough to stand next to him anymore, because he walked away from me and said "I don't know you, don't come near me". I think the only other people that saw me were two old men. We stopped going places together and I knew I gained some weight while I was pregnant, but it justified the fact that I didn't have my same figure anymore. After I had my first child, I was the primary caretaker and he went to work to support our new family and only played video games when he got home and didn't want to spend time with any of us. 3 months after, I got pregnant with my second child. He told his mom that I pressured him into doing it and this made me feel like he wasn't proud to say he was having another baby. I didn't get much support of anything from him for either pregnancy and I started getting really upset from here on out because I felt trapped. 6 months after I had my second child, I was pregnant with my third baby and now I'm 30 weeks along. The sex is only twice a month, he plays online games and doesn't pay attention to the kids he has and I still don't receive any support. He only wants to go to prenatal visits if they are ultrasounds or if I'm going to give birth. To add to everything, he is a big baby. He got mad because I only made the kids something to eat and not him and kept saying to the kids "I bet you have a full belly". I keep trying to leave him, but I have no where else to go. My credit got messed up from identity theft and now I can't qualify for any places around here without clearing up my records which is impossible to do apparently. Can someone give me advice on what to do? I don't want to be with him anymore and I have no where else to go. He's a dickhead and I want a real man in my life that will acknowledge me and give me credit for what I do. I got to college while having small children in diapers which isn't easy to do, but he told me I was on "vacation" because I didn't work. When I finally got part time jobs, he made me quit them because it was cutting into his social life and hunting time (which he has no social life and hasn't hunted in two years). Even a full time job working 16 overtime each week wasn't good enough for him and made me feel guilty for "leaving my kids". I can never win with this man. I also want to have a natural birth because both of my kids were c-sections and he thinks I'm going to be stretched out for sex. I'm torn, fed up, and I don't know what to do...I need advice!! Please Help!! The only family I have would be my mother who isn't stable and I don't want my kids to live with that kind of person. But I do feel better when I go over there and get away from him, so it's almost like a lose, lose situation. And when I do go over to my mom's he calls me and treats me like he loves me and wants to have the kids with him, but when I finally come back here, he goes back to not wanting either of us. I don't if it's a game or if he only misses us being away.

Older brother birthday help? I'm 12 and I have a 14 year old brother. His 15th birthday is march 23rd. He is taking school online, working at a mechanic shop at night. He knows tools very well, he's a country guy, and doesn't like video games and such. For Xmas we got him a hatchet. He says he doesn't want anything. I consider something tool like, such as a ratchet set or something but he has lots, and I dunno what would help him. Previous years we have got him guns and such. Any ideas? He likes hunting and fishing. Not sports and xboxs !!!

An adult going back to college needs advice on life.? Seeking recommendations for my situation. I am looking to go back to college and earn a degree. I am a male, age 36, who already has one semester of college credits from long ago. I have a 2 year associates college 1 mile from house with interesting liberal arts and general sciences programs. I am concerned that an associates degree is not enough for the future employment I wish to have, and plan on moving to a 4 year program at some college nearby when the time comes. To further complicate things, I am one of those that should have been a doctor or lawyer, but I fear it is too late to pursue that length of education. In my life plan, I am seeking and basically need to be employed regularly in order to provide for family within 5 years. As for using life experience to date, I have been in retail sales, showroom sales (cars, pianos, etc.), human resources clerk, security guard and supervisor (6 years in there), management of retail locations, management of personnel, all low end, and many more skills...bar tending, fishing, hunting...and technical skills without certificates, electrical, carpentry and metal, refinishing and restoration. And, since you are by now wondering what it is that I actually do (other than play video games like a champ), I am a musician, singer/songwriter, guitarist, and guitar teacher. Which is in line with the liberal arts fine arts option, with a career path bent toward music education, which takes longer than 5 years to fully pursue. Any thoughts, advice, stories, means of grants, online ed, whatever...?

I need a new F2P MMORPG Ok, my first mmorpg was runescape, got boring after i hit 12 years old. Then i played SilkRoad Online, which was awesome but it was impossible to log on due to server traffic. Then i played Lunia which is fun as well but the game gets super repetative and theres no open world to explore since the game goes through stages, or other things to do aside from questing, pvping and leveling. I like how runescape had alot of stuff to do rather than train, pvp, and quest, such as mining and making armor, aswell as hunting and fishing etc. I LOVE how in SilkRoad u could do trade runs with friends to make money. I liked how lunia had a nice feel to it and the fighting was arcade style. However im bored out of mind right now and am looking for an MMORPG that not only has leveling and pvping, but also something extra, like doing trade runs or mining etc. I also dont want a grind heavy mmo. The other thing is that i need the game to be an F2P MMORPG. Any help is appreciated and thanks.

stuff to do in the summer? I'm a 15 yr old girl and i have nothing to do. I love the outdoors and i would love to go hiking, rockclimbing,fishing and all that other stuff but i live in the freakin suburbs so there is absolutely no nature aroudn to do those kind of things. I can't drive yet and most of the ideas i found online involve driving somwhere (archery, hunting, dance, cooking class, woodworking class, etc). All of my friends in the area are out of town or babysitting their siblings. i have a big dog who i would love to excercise somehow but even after i shaved her she can't handle the heat at all. (its 100+ outside here). My parents are gone all day so they can't drive me anywhere either.. what are some things i can do? I really love catching things and hiking and outdoors and stuff but there really is nowhere around here...plus i hate video games and being on this computer so please give lots of ideas! thanks! i absolutley hate sewing and reading btw most hobbies that are typical "womens" hobbies are not my thing im a pro mma fighter so yea i need realy active hobbies

sims 2 castaway: how do you do things like hunt boar , fish sharks, get past the doors boalders ! i need help? i dont want a bunch of cheats , i mean i like playin the game but i just need to know ive been to like 100 sites and none of then have any FAQ's they all say like overveiw and preveiws. and i dont want to buy the one online. PLEASE HELP!!! the bolder on the second island in the scull forest

Good Mall scavenger hunt list/birthday ideas for a 14 year old? I'm turning 14 on the 15th of December, and I'm not really sure what do to. I googled some ideas this afternoon, and I saw a Mall Scavenger Hunt, which I really liked, but my mom's not too crazy about it. I found a list online, but I might need some different ideas. I was thinking about doing 2 teams, each a different color, and have each team look for items on the list of the other team's color, here's the list; 1. Shopping bag 2. Fancy Hat - 3. Button 4. High Heel shoe 5. Store Sign 6. Fuzzy Sweater - 3 bonus points if at least 2 of your team is wearing it in the picture 7. Coat 8. Sale Sign 9. Eyeshadow 10. Earrings 11. Socks 12. Tie - 3 bonus points if it has stripes on it 13. Pants - 3 bonus points if at least 2 of your team is wearing it in the picture 14. Fuzzy Dice 15. Necklace - 3 bonus points if it has a heart on it 16. Gumball 17. Food sample 18. Hair Clip 19. Purse 20. Sunglasses 21. Mascara 22. Nail Polish 23. Farm Animal 24. Shirt - 3 bonus points if it has polka dots 25. Bookcover (book with orange in the cover) 26. Video controller 27. Loose bead or sequin 28. Skateboard 29. Gift card 30. Store display - 10 point bonus for the team which brings back the largest one 31. Glitter 32. Business card 33. Children's shoe - 3 point bonus if the shoe has a bow on it 34. Fish 35. Suitcase 36. Umbrella 37. Balloon - 3 bonus points if it is a helium balloon 38. Board Game 39. Chair or sofa 40. Windchime 41. Birthday Candle So if you have any ideas about what to put on the list, or any ideas about another Birthday party theme in general, pleasee let me know! Thanks!!

Im trying to find free realistic online hunting and fishing games can anyone help me what are the best sites?

are there any online fishing games or hunting games?

Are there any Online games that are like the old days...? As in you farm,hunt,fish,make houses,chop down trees,care for a pet,or just plain live a dang life. Doesn't matter if it's not all of those things...make sure it at least have 2 of thoughs though Oh ... And im a MEMBER of Runescape

Endangered species act(s), are they just political? I was doing some online research on the great white shark... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_shark ... & I came across a section of the web page titled "conservation status". Though the conservation status did NOT list the great white shark as an endangered species it did state... "No accurate numbers on population are available, but populations have clearly declined to a point where the great white shark is now considered endangered". This type of "GUESSTIMATION" is what is most irritating to me. They have no dreaming idea of how many GWS's are swimming in the oceans of the planet earth, but SUDDENLY, they are now considered endangered & have been put on CITIES 'appendix 2' endangered species list. My question is... has this endangered species game turned into big money profiteering & back door (P)eople (C)ontrol(PC) by private entities like 'CITIES'? These type of organizations eventually find a nook or cranny to get a toe hold into U.S. government then the 'politicking' starts shortly afterwards... the hunting/fishing bans, privately owned firearm issues, land/water use/access permits, taxes/fees & the list goes on & on & on. (Note)....here's a few links. While NOT directly related to the above great white shark topic, it does carry the same 'POLITICKING' message I referred to above. It seems that the environmental & or endangered wetlands are the POLITICAL excuse for regulating private business deemed 'unwanted' by some individual political activists... http://walmartwatch.com/battlemart/pages/spokane_wa ...make sure to click on the "ABOUT US" & "BATTLEPLAN" icons. This would seem to be a "union" sponsored site & seems geared towards political monies. http://www.spokesmanreview.com/tools/story_pf.asp?ID=114160 http://www.spokanedemocrats.org/index.cfm?page=wal-mart.cfm

another random questions ? 1. hot or cold weather 2. drinking or smoking 3. gold or platinum 4. LA or NY 5. watching movies or playing video games 6. obama or the other guy 7. south park or family guy 8. orange or apples 9. 100 dollars or 10,000 pennies 10. ipod or zune 11. hotdogs or hambugers 12. the thing or the hulk 13. netflix or blockbuster online 14. dish or comcast 15. tivo or dvr 16. tiger or bear 17. chocolate or vanilla 18. michael myres or jason 19. eva mendes or eva longoria 20. bong hit or blunt 21. bowing or pool 22. giving or reciving 23. subway or quiznos 24. ferrari or lamborgini 25. beach or lake 26. fishing or hunting 27. reading or writing 28. james bond or jason bourne 29. shrooms or acid 30. superman or batman

Lets you know EXACTLY what others do on your computer? Lets you know EXACTLY what others do on your computer when you are away. Perfect for catching cheaters, monitoring employees, children and spouse, acquiring others' passwords and even investigating crimes. Power Spy secretly records: keystrokes, websites visited, emails read, documents opened, clipboard activaties, passwords typed, applications executed, conversation text of Skype, MSN Messenger, ICQ, AIM, Yahoo! Messenger and Windows Messenger. It even takes screen snapshots at your set interval like a surveillance camera. Know More Details << Free To Download << Buy It Online Securely << Home Page << A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!" So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!" Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in." So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language. Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today". "For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000. She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad. Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play." Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with." Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?" Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed." The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door. Mom : "Now what do I do?" Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that." She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!" Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!" Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS." "Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient. "You've also got Alzheimer's Disease." Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr.Johnson and his secretary are on a train to Paris. They are just about to go to sleep when the secretary, who has the hots for her boss says in a seductive voice, I'm a little cold, could I borrow your blanket? The man says how would you like to be Mrs. Johnson for awhile? The secretary jumps at the chance and begins to get out of bed. Then he replies, good, then you can get your own damn blanket. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal." So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in." The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did. I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two old ladies have played bridge together for many years, and naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty well. One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, "I realize we've known each other for many years, but for the life of me, I just can't bring it to mind... would you please tell me your name again, dear?" There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then the other lady responds, "How soon do you need to know?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You know there are starving people in those third world countries, and you're just wasting that food. Then package it up and ship it to 'em if you're so concerned you dumb shit! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time. The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit. After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor!" he started. "No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough." "Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!" "A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales. "Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi. "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home, and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally the man said "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer. About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer it said "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!" I Have no Idea what happened here!! SORRY